by Tea

Astronauts scroll through their phones before entering cryosleep

carpe diem

As the nation’s first manned mission to Mars gets underway, the leading astronauts refuse to enter cryostasis without checking their social media accounts first, according to a report coming straight out of Houston.

“It’s unbelievable,” said Flight Director Ron Harris. “They check their phones for a second right before going to sleep, but then they start scrolling endlessly through Facebook! Next thing you know, they end up watching cat videos on YouTube and reading up on time travel on Wikipedia!”

For those who are unfamiliar, these astronauts were given first-of-their-kind super-smart smartphones, which allow for longer-range signals to connect to Earth satellites and cellphone towers. This new technology ensures that even at over a million miles above Earth, the astronauts would still remain connected on their phones.

“I knew making those phones was a mistake,” said Head Design Engineer of the Smartsmartphones Bill Makesman. “Why they were even allowed aboard with them is beyond me. I understand it helps the astronauts stay in touch with family members, but all they’re doing right now is sharing ‘dank’ memes on social media! And what does that word even mean?!”

Despite having the best state-of-the-art communications equipment aboard their space shuttle, none of the astronauts was available for comment. 


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